The person I am most estranged from is myself. A couple of years ago when covid first hit, I embarked on a self-discovery journey. I explored parts of myself that I would’ve never otherwise had a chance to and found myself, for the first time in my life, clearly envisioning what I wanted for my future. Today, I find that I’ve never been further from my dreams despite how hard I’m working.
When I find the time to sit down, relax, and reflect on the months prior, I find that I am doing what everyone else asks of me, and in turn doing nothing for myself. I am attending both high school and college, I have A’s in all of my classes, I’m socializing, hanging out with friends, and making plans for my education after this year. (My senior year of high school.) And yet, I find that I have never been more unhappy. I’ve found that I’m being forced to conceal parts of myself again to make others more comfortable, and quite frankly it's daunting, I feel as though I’m moving backwards, not forwards. I feel as though the entire world is moving backward and becoming a less pleasant place. We, as a planet, were on a road forward, and it seems that we’ve strayed from that path.
Self-failure is what the feelings I’ve described above are labeled as. I’ve spent so much time trying to please others, that I’ve forgotten what’s most important… pleasing myself. It may sound selfish to some, but it isn’t. Putting yourself first is never selfish; It’s exactly what everybody else is doing, and if you’re not doing it too, then you’re the one losing.
Thankfully, everything ends in a few months. In May, I’ll be finished with both high school and my first year of college. Afterward, I’ll have the chance to stop sacrificing myself for others, turn my life around, and begin pursuing the things I’m actually interested in. I only hope that I’ll have learned from my mistakes, and work harder to ensure I can reconnect with the person I truly want to become. I write this now as a reminder to my future self not to make the same mistakes I’ve made now.
I hope I’m strong enough to break the cycle.
— March
When I find the time to sit down, relax, and reflect on the months prior, I find that I am doing what everyone else asks of me, and in turn doing nothing for myself. I am attending both high school and college, I have A’s in all of my classes, I’m socializing, hanging out with friends, and making plans for my education after this year. (My senior year of high school.) And yet, I find that I have never been more unhappy. I’ve found that I’m being forced to conceal parts of myself again to make others more comfortable, and quite frankly it's daunting, I feel as though I’m moving backwards, not forwards. I feel as though the entire world is moving backward and becoming a less pleasant place. We, as a planet, were on a road forward, and it seems that we’ve strayed from that path.
Self-failure is what the feelings I’ve described above are labeled as. I’ve spent so much time trying to please others, that I’ve forgotten what’s most important… pleasing myself. It may sound selfish to some, but it isn’t. Putting yourself first is never selfish; It’s exactly what everybody else is doing, and if you’re not doing it too, then you’re the one losing.
Thankfully, everything ends in a few months. In May, I’ll be finished with both high school and my first year of college. Afterward, I’ll have the chance to stop sacrificing myself for others, turn my life around, and begin pursuing the things I’m actually interested in. I only hope that I’ll have learned from my mistakes, and work harder to ensure I can reconnect with the person I truly want to become. I write this now as a reminder to my future self not to make the same mistakes I’ve made now.
I hope I’m strong enough to break the cycle.
— March
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