So perhaps this is me, and it is a distinct element of working from home, on the computer. I’m wondering if the internet has stunted my ability to daydream. We are pulled where we are directed, towards a life that is maybe just a level or two up from where you are now. It’s aspirational and attainable, for a price. That new kitchen, a sustainable candle, Greece.
Lately, I’m finding it hard to focus on anything- which is a sure indicator that I am going through a change that I am resisting. But I find it hard to acknowledge or talk about because it feels like 1st world problems. Children are dying and I am not satisfied with my work. Boo hoo.
But I also think it's pointing to something deeper and more existential. Is that word still cliche? I am of the age where I haven’t had a cell phone for the majority of my life. They were the big blocky things with antennas that showed up in James Bond movies. Half of my adult life was spent outdoors- teaching kids, riding horses. And half has been spent in nonprofit work. And the last three years of that, mostly online. My world is shrinking as my influence is expanding. How weird. Which for some part of me- is OK. I am an introvert. I never got in my car for days on end during COVID. I think the battery went dead at some point.
I daydream about horses. It is such a profound loss for me to have lost what was my center. I haven’t been on a horse in probably 7 or 8 years now. Divorce broke my life apart and horses could no longer be in it. They were my teachers, my oracles, my companions. When people ask me about it- many times I have heard- “I can’t believe you don’t ride anymore.”- I respond that it was a beautiful time in my life that I will always cherish and am grateful for. And that is true.
What is also true is that I am struggling right now to stay here at my desk, focused on a strategic plan, when I want to be on that chestnut mare- riding across a snowy field, towards nothing but the end of the horizon.
— Cristine
Lately, I’m finding it hard to focus on anything- which is a sure indicator that I am going through a change that I am resisting. But I find it hard to acknowledge or talk about because it feels like 1st world problems. Children are dying and I am not satisfied with my work. Boo hoo.
But I also think it's pointing to something deeper and more existential. Is that word still cliche? I am of the age where I haven’t had a cell phone for the majority of my life. They were the big blocky things with antennas that showed up in James Bond movies. Half of my adult life was spent outdoors- teaching kids, riding horses. And half has been spent in nonprofit work. And the last three years of that, mostly online. My world is shrinking as my influence is expanding. How weird. Which for some part of me- is OK. I am an introvert. I never got in my car for days on end during COVID. I think the battery went dead at some point.
I daydream about horses. It is such a profound loss for me to have lost what was my center. I haven’t been on a horse in probably 7 or 8 years now. Divorce broke my life apart and horses could no longer be in it. They were my teachers, my oracles, my companions. When people ask me about it- many times I have heard- “I can’t believe you don’t ride anymore.”- I respond that it was a beautiful time in my life that I will always cherish and am grateful for. And that is true.
What is also true is that I am struggling right now to stay here at my desk, focused on a strategic plan, when I want to be on that chestnut mare- riding across a snowy field, towards nothing but the end of the horizon.
— Cristine
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