Yesterday morning when free writing on material I might use for my writing class assignment, I found myself thinking about my work as a midwife. Maybe because I am now three and a half years into retirement my thoughts and feelings on this work that gave me so much, are more available, are making an appearance in my in my thoughts during the day, spontaneously and without a trigger (I need a softer word for trigger here)? It’s hard for me to know. Maybe midwifery has been more on my mind because I am attending the state’s annual meeting this weekend? Maybe the narrative voice we are using for this week’s writing assignment is pulling my thoughts out of the cavity where heart and soul reside and they are tumbling over one another like water falling over rocks? They are not stand alone thoughts. They exist only in relationship to one another. It’s hard for me to tell. I wonder how much the appearance of midwifery related thoughts is due to my recent bout with cancer- a third primary in ten years? I feel the possibility of old age is threatened and midwifery is dear to me- no holy- and maybe my thoughts and feelings, despite or maybe because of their complicated nature, want expression now while I am living. I know I now have moments that feel almost feverish, compelling me to pay attention and to write, where I chide myself when I find myself lingering too long on something I have deemed, non-productive- not to ever be confused with rest... I am starting to ramble- the way I often find myself best able to access these thoughts...
And why did midwifery come up today in response to this question?
And what lead to walking away from writing this prompt? Moving into the living room to hold my warm mug of coffee while watching the sunrise then getting distracted or procrastinating or resisting writing on this topic or writing at all... what drives that? I am wondering if this means I should not share the things I did and midwifery and didn’t talk about. I think I will push myself to say something. There is a need to protect most women’s sense of physical integrity and adult dignity that motivates, or rather compels midwives to speak to women and touch women in ways that normalize the sounds, sights and behaviors of pushing a baby into the world. I did all those things without talking about them, except in private conversations with other midwives so that we might learn from one another how to better do this. It is shocking how many women give birth and then turn to the people caring for them to say they are sorry for making noise, for having been exposed in a way that challenges how they are seen by the men they share their lives with. I always wanted to do things that made the utterance of these I’m sorries less likely. And the other thing I didn’t talk about much until I stopped doing this work was to sometimes whisper into the ears of the babies I helped welcome into the world my own I’m sorry- feeling their families might be ill equipped to care for them, to allow them to feel safe and loved as children in the way children need to feel in order to grow into resilient adults. And of course there is the world they are being born into- gun violence and climate change- and all the other adult issues we have not addressed in a meaningful way so that even if their parents are wonderful and loving, they will anxiously inherit an endangered world.
— pamcnm
And why did midwifery come up today in response to this question?
And what lead to walking away from writing this prompt? Moving into the living room to hold my warm mug of coffee while watching the sunrise then getting distracted or procrastinating or resisting writing on this topic or writing at all... what drives that? I am wondering if this means I should not share the things I did and midwifery and didn’t talk about. I think I will push myself to say something. There is a need to protect most women’s sense of physical integrity and adult dignity that motivates, or rather compels midwives to speak to women and touch women in ways that normalize the sounds, sights and behaviors of pushing a baby into the world. I did all those things without talking about them, except in private conversations with other midwives so that we might learn from one another how to better do this. It is shocking how many women give birth and then turn to the people caring for them to say they are sorry for making noise, for having been exposed in a way that challenges how they are seen by the men they share their lives with. I always wanted to do things that made the utterance of these I’m sorries less likely. And the other thing I didn’t talk about much until I stopped doing this work was to sometimes whisper into the ears of the babies I helped welcome into the world my own I’m sorry- feeling their families might be ill equipped to care for them, to allow them to feel safe and loved as children in the way children need to feel in order to grow into resilient adults. And of course there is the world they are being born into- gun violence and climate change- and all the other adult issues we have not addressed in a meaningful way so that even if their parents are wonderful and loving, they will anxiously inherit an endangered world.
— pamcnm
Comments
Post a Comment